On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist’s son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, “I bet it’s some flowers!” “That’s right!” shouted the little boy. Then the candy store owner’s daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it […]
Dirty Johnny’s father walks into the bathroom and catches him jerking off. He says, “Son, every time you do that you kill an innocent baby.” The next day his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again. Johnny says, “Bow your head, Pop. Can’t you see we’re having a funeral?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?” “No. You had your chance. Lights out!” Five minutes later: “Da-aaad…” “What??” “I’m thirsty… Can I have a drink of water??” “I told you no! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!” Five minutes later: “Daaaa-aaaaad…” “What??!!” “When you come in to spank […]
A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: “Dig!” He looks around: nobody’s there. “I am having hallucinations”, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: “I said, dig!” So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a […]
An Irish man went to the courthouse to change his name legally changed. When he replied, the desk clerk asked “Can I help you sir?” Our man said “Yes, I would like to change my name.” “What is your current name?” asked the clerk. “Martin Arsehole,” replied the man. The clerk laughed, and said “I […]
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, “I’m here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.” “That’s quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a […]
A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle. Only one question confused him. “Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?” “I’ve got a kickstand,” the prospect replied. “Is that the same thing?” * lien-holder: Creditor or party that holds a mortgage or a legally enforceable right (lien) on a specific asset, good, or property of another (the ‘lienee’) […]
A farmer who’s been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim. “I understand you’re claiming damages for the injuries you’re supposed to have suffered?” stated the counsel for the insurance company. “Yes, that’s right,” replied the farmer, nodding his head. “You claim […]
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood […]
Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy. Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their […]