Girl: “I’d like a triple vanilla ice cream sundae with chocolate syrup, nuts, whipped cream, topped off with a slice of cucumber.” Waiter: “Did I hear you right? Did ou say top it off with a slice of cucumber?” Girl: “Good heavens, you’re right! Forget the cucumber – I’m on a diet.”
By Victor Buono Lord, my soul is ripped with riot Incited by my wicked diet. “We are what we eat,” said a wise old man, Lord, if that’s true, I’m a garbage can. To rise on Judgment Day, it’s plain, With my present weight, I’ll need a crane. So grant me strength that I may […]
Lady to the doctor over the phone, “Doctor, I beg of you, please prescribe me something immediately to reduce my weight. My husband has given me a wonderful birthday present, and I can’t get into it.” Doctor: “Just come over here tomorrow, and I shall give you a prescription. Then you will soon be able to […]
A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: “Give four advantages of breast milk.” What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best: No need to boil. Never goes sour. Available […]
“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up,” said the sarcastic lecturer. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. “Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” enquired the lecturer with a sneer. “Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see […]
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Johnny what is your problem?” Johnny answered, “I’m too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!” The teacher had […]
A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on ‘Observation’. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. “This”, he explained, “is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste.” After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His […]
A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after classes, wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams. He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the sheet over the body, and to his surprise he finds a cork in the corpse’s rectum. […]
A college student writes to his parents… “Dear Mom and Dad, I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy. I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me. Your son, Marvin. P.S. I […]
A student comes to a young professor’s office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. “I would do anything to pass this exam.” She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. “I mean…” she whispers, “…I would do…anything.” He returns her gaze. “Anything?” “Anything.” His […]