Little Jimmy was lying on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God. “God? Are you really there?” Jimmy said out loud. To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. “Yes, Jimmy? […]
A schoolboy was assigned an essay on childbirth and asked his parents “how was I born?” “Well son…” said the slightly prudish parent, “the stork brought you to us.” “OH,” said the boy. “Well, how did you and daddy get born?” he asked. “Oh, the stork brought us too.” “Well how were grandpa and grandma […]
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. “Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?” His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, “I’ll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask […]
Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day. “Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” he asks, “will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?” David’s father thinks a bit, then says “No, I don’t think […]
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist’s son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, “I bet it’s some flowers!” “That’s right!” shouted the little boy. Then the candy store owner’s daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it […]
Dirty Johnny’s father walks into the bathroom and catches him jerking off. He says, “Son, every time you do that you kill an innocent baby.” The next day his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again. Johnny says, “Bow your head, Pop. Can’t you see we’re having a funeral?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?” “No. You had your chance. Lights out!” Five minutes later: “Da-aaad…” “What??” “I’m thirsty… Can I have a drink of water??” “I told you no! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!” Five minutes later: “Daaaa-aaaaad…” “What??!!” “When you come in to spank […]
A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: “Dig!” He looks around: nobody’s there. “I am having hallucinations”, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: “I said, dig!” So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a […]
An Irish man went to the courthouse to change his name legally changed. When he replied, the desk clerk asked “Can I help you sir?” Our man said “Yes, I would like to change my name.” “What is your current name?” asked the clerk. “Martin Arsehole,” replied the man. The clerk laughed, and said “I […]
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, “I’m here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.” “That’s quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a […]