Sex in Marriage

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn’t succeed more often:

• We will wake the kids – 54 times

• It’s too late – 15 times

• I’m too tired – 42 times

• It’s too early – 12 times

• It’s too hot – 18 times

• Pretending to be asleep – 31 times

• The neighbors will hear – 9 times

• Headache or backache – 26 times

• Sunburn – 10 times

• Your mother will hear us – 9 times

• Not in the mood – 21 times

• Watching the late show – 17 times

• Too sore – 26 times

• New hairdo – 6 times

• Wrong time of the month – 14 times

• You had to go to the bathroom – 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let’s try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

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To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn’t get more than you did this past year:

• Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat – 23 times

• Did not come home at all – 36 times

• Did not come – 21 times

• Came too soon – 38 times

• Went soft before you got it in – 19 times

• Cramps in your leg – 16 times

• Working too late – 33 times

• You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat – 29 times

• Caught yourself in your zipper – 15 times

• You had a cold and your nose kept running – 21 times

• You had burned your tongue on hot coffee – 9 times

• You had a splinter in your finger – 11 times

• You lost the notion after thinking about it – 42 times

• Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book – 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn’t want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, “Would you like me on my back or kneeling?” The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your “shortcomings?”

Love, Your Wife