Why online dating isn’t working for you, according to dating coach Bettina Arndt

SUCCESS stories are everywhere. The tipsy bride announces at her wedding reception that she’d spent months sitting up late in her PJs, window shopping until she found the right man. Newly minted lovers boast of the excitement of first seeing each other’s profile online. And meeting through the net is now so common it barely rates a throwaway line in the latest story of a celebrity wedding.

Yet for some it isn’t so easy. Many of the huge numbers of members of online dating sites have been there a long time. Though our big websites boast of their successful matches, they won’t reveal how many people just dip toes in these tricky waters before retreating rapidly to the shore while others hang in for year after year, never finding the right person to catch their bait.

Our largest homegrown site, RSVP, has had almost four million people sign up in the 17 years it’s been operating, adding more than 1000 new members each day. What’s not clear is just how many of its current two million members are actively dating.

Some are struggling. Many of the people who come to me for dating coaching have already had a go at online dating — some have tried for years with no success. Yet with a little help, many turn this around and start attracting suitable partners. It’s amazing how bad people are at choosing the right photos — there are so many profile shots of men holding up photos of dead fish or wearing funny hats or too few clothes or with half the head of their ex-girlfriend beside them.

And women who can’t resist trotting the girls out or showing themselves glassy-eyed and clutching a wine glass — fine if you want to be seen as a party girl, but not for looking for a partner.

It helps to have a lively, interesting profile, particularly if you are facing a competitive market. Older women looking for well-educated men are up against it, as are younger blokes who aren’t well-heeled nor great looking. The challenge is to find out what’s special about you — everyone has something that could help them stand out from the crowd.

Recently I worked with a man from Brisbane who didn’t present well when he first called, so hesitant and awkward. It turned out he’d once been a stutterer and though now normally pretty fluent, he finds talking to strangers brings out the worst in him. We wrote a funny profile mentioning the movie, The King’s Speech and joking that King George was lucky — he didn’t have to deal with online dating! The profile worked a trick and he’s now meeting plenty of women.

The right photos and profile are only the beginning — there are plenty of other ways people cripple their chances of doing well in online dating. Here are some further dos and don’ts to help you get on the right track.

DON’T GIVE UP TOO EASILY

Often people opt out after the first few knock-backs. Maybe you were turned off when you showed up for a date and she was 10 years older or many kilos heavier than she claimed. Or he came on too strong, making it clear he expected you to put out. Yes, there are creeps online, but most people are genuine and looking for a mate. You won’t find them unless you are optimistic and persistent instead of cynical and jaded. If it was a job search and you needed a job, you wouldn’t let a few lousy interviews put you off.

BEWARE YOUR MARRIED FRIENDS

Women be warned — your best girlfriend who last dated 20 years ago doesn’t have a clue what it is like in the online dating world. Don’t believe her when she tells you there’s no need to lose weight — “The right man will be attracted to the real you”. Well, perhaps but fit women certainly have the edge in this competitive business. Don’t listen when she says online dating is for losers and you’d be better joining a sporting club. While it doesn’t hurt to keep active and out there, meeting people out in the real world means you’re constantly trying to work out who’s single and available — and the wrong move can be oh-so humiliating. It makes so much more sense to dive into the world of singles and the internet is doing a marvellous job opening that up to you.

AIMING TOO HIGH

You can’t date who you can’t attract. This means you need to think realistically about who you are approaching and whether they are likely to be interested in you. I’ve worked with a number of men who had no idea about their market value. One well-heeled professional man had a lot to offer — he was cultured, well-travelled but also short and rather tubby. We put together a great profile but after a month or so he still reported no bites. When he showed me the women he was approaching I could see why — they were all total babes, young, gorgeous women who were out of his league. Women can be even worse, like the former beauty now hitting her late 50s who’s still set on the tall, handsome, successful men who once flocked around her. It wasn’t easy convincing her to get real and work out what matters most in a man — she wasn’t going to find someone who ticked all her boxes.

WATCH THE SUBTEXT

Get some friends of the opposite sex to check out your profile and see if message sent is message received. Look at all those profile photos of men proudly astride huge motorcycles — that’s great for impressing other men but all that horsepower rarely rocks a woman’s boat. Women often think travel photos make them look sophisticated but men sometimes see them as princesses with nothing better to do than swan around the world. And older women who make it clear they are interested in younger men will pull some in — though usually just for sex. But by playing the cougar you risk putting off men in your own age group who’ll just see you as a tosser.

CURB YOUR DEMANDS

If you are a woman over 40 trying to attract a divorced man, remember he’s most likely badly bruised and likely to steer clear of demanding women. He wants a partner who looks like she might have something to offer him, not someone threatening him with a few more rounds of the kitchen.

Bettina Arndt trained as a clinical psychologist before becoming a sex therapist, journalist and now online dating coach.

Source: NewsComAu